“I tried, I honestly tried to bring my heart back to us, to focus it.
And the more I tried, the harder it fought back.
I walked around a conflicted self, destabilised by opposing forces, each demanding to be heard.
You have no concept of being torn in two until your heart and mind are at odds.
The mind, logic it’s reason, “you do not leave that to which you are committed,” “marriage is a sacred contract” and the heart, love it’s song of choice, “follow love, follow the path it ignites”, backed up by numerous Paulo Coelho quotes (I always imagined this path illuminated by cellulite-ridden cupids, pointing where to go and Roxette’s “Listen to your heart” the soundtrack).
My only comfort at the time was sleeping and jogging and I did both with the same intensity. The endorphins made me feel something different to the raging storms inside and in sleep, I flew above all the noise, starting with my mind (stay there, stay there, please stay there) and always ending soaring with my heart.
Then there was the outside noise. Parents, friends, therapists, pastors, each advising what they thought best. Most days I just wanted to run away, from everyone, mostly myself.
You should know that in every battle of logic, you always won. And when the final bell rang and I chose the heart, know that for many, many years before that, this heart would have shed blood for you.”
Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014