For them

I see you,
Worn, but still going,
Tired, but still fighting
For them
Because you were chosen
To be their mom,
To be their representative
(Even though you feel
Their witness
And witness you do:
Every tear
You catch
(And sometimes shed late at night)
Every failure
You process
(And you remind them, we all fail)
Every victory
You hold
(And want to shout out on the rooftops)
I see you
And you are qualified,
A perfect representative,
Because you are here,
And you turn up

Copyright Hiraeth 2021

Take a day

Take a day
If you must
To cry
To mourn
To let the grief wash
Over you and
Then subside
The world will be as chaotic,
As it was the day before,
Everyone expecting a piece
Of you
As it was the day before.
Take a day
To say,
I am shocked you are gone and I just realised I never answered your message because life, my life was overwhelming (it always is) and I am sorry and I just want you to know, you taught me more than you will ever know.
But mostly,
You taught me to speak up,
To speak proudly,
To own my words, my darkness and my light.
So I took a day

Copyright Hiraeth 2020
For Dot

You don’t know

You don’t know
How hard it is trying to help her
Navigate life
When she knows she is,
Feels she is different.
You think you can make it easier,
Hide it, until one day she asks
Why is it so hard for me and easy for them?
You try to put it in perspective, many
Others have much worse challenges to deal with,
But in her world, hers is all that matters,
At least for now.
You don’t know
When what is easy for your child,
Makes her feel tired, overwhelmed,
When the writing that for your child
Comes without thinking,
Tires her already tired brain.
You don’t know
How besides arranging therapy
And support of every kind,
There is an emotional side
That is overwhelming sometimes,
Most times.
You don’t know how much it hurts
When by her own attempts
She excels and you write a message
To ask if we are helping her answer.

You don’t know
How hard it is trying to help him
When only one side of his brain
Processes sound as it should,
How hard it is for him to process
An instruction in the noise of a
Fast-paced world,
How what it is easy for your child to
Most times is overwhelming
And so he sharpens his pencil
Incessantly, bites his nails
Or washes his hands
To control what he can
And mask his
Why am I different?
Why is it so hard?
You don’t know
And until you do

Copyright Hiraeth 2020

Just so you know (3rd June)

Just so you know
The longing never ends
It weaves through the
Myriad of experiences,
Pieces that are your life
It echos in the quiet moments,
Every year the 3rd of
You were here,
Left at noon.
Just so you know
The memories never end
They dance through my
Heart, a playful tune,
You were here,
Gone at noon.
Just so you know
Your memory is
Captured in every
Cell of my imperfect
Sullen soul,
And you bring me light
As I grow old.


Suddenly the world
Became silent,
You were trying
To find the silence
All as it was
Came to a grinding
While you were trying
To bring yourself to
And with it came
A reprise,
A renewal,
A quiet realisation,
You are not in control
Of anything
But your inner self
And her health.
So you paint,
You play piano
You dance to the
Rhythm of her

Copyright Hiraeth 2020

When hope emigrated

I knew you
Before he was gone
Before every cell ached for
To be here, near
Before grief found a hold
On your heart
And life and filtered
Through your soul.
And on the days
You struggle,
The days where Facebook
Surprises you with a photo
A memory of just
You two
And hope seems
Like a friend who
Has emigrated
To the furthest corner of
Without warning or
A farewell,
I will remind you
Who you were
And integrated in the loss
You will now be

Copyright Hiraeth 2019

Ten years ago

I love you still because
Despite the challenges of life,
You believe in forever afters
And even when I lose faith
You stand secure:
Even in these turbulent times
Love conquers, it provides the
Glue to keep on keeping on
And you keep on;
Consistent in your love for me
And our family.
And with time
You have made me believe
That true love does exist
And I am blessed
To live in it.

copyright Hiraeth 2019

Ten years

“ If you don’t want to burn out, don’t live like you are on fire” – Brene Brown

Ten years ago I arrived
Home from my jog
And you made Earl Grey
And pork sausages in tomato
While I simultaneously laughed
And cried
About the stress of my day.
You stood shocked.
You are burning out
You said
I don’t know what to do.
Don’t be ridiculous, I am fine
I said
And I pushed you away
In anger,
You and these crazy ideas
That I am not in control,
That my dreams are too
Important, swallowing me
And us.
And he stepped in
At the exact point I sat on the floor
Crying on Skype,
Crying about every loss
Of my entire life,
Like it is normal,
Like it makes sense.
And I said
This is my soul mate
This is my future
And left
And broke everything,
Everyone I cared about
And myself.
So no
Not every marriage ends
Because it is destructive,
Because it is loveless.
Some end
Because one
Like they were on fire.

Copyright Hiraeth 2019