This year

This year
The day you passed
Came and went
And although I acknowledged
It, I also let the hours lapse
Without much thought,
I let the day drown in its
Busyness
I knew if I indulged the loss
It would call out to me,
It would overwhelm my already
Tired disconnected heart
It would call me to slow down
To feel, to cry, to remember
So I held it in
Supressed it
And then this past weekend
I sat on the beach
And watched the waves,
Felt the wind caress my tears
And my only thought was
How unfair it is
That
You
Are
Gone.

copyright Hiraeth 2016

No translation

We speak different love languages
Mine is words,
His is affection
And despite his best attempts
And my enthusiastic moaning
And even a few counselling sessions;
Seven years in, we are no closer
To speaking the same tongue
And I have realised, it is fine
We are fine.
I will always be the one who writes
Lyrically about our love,
Capture the challenges in prose
Write essays in anniversary cards.
He will always be the one who
Shows love, who holds me every night
In a gorilla grip,
Who is practical, even when it comes to
Matters of the heart,
His cards an eloquent
I love you and the gift something
Purposeful.
And I will admit,
That I have learnt his language
Become accustomed to it,
And in the dead of night
In his arms
I believe
Everything will be alright.

copyright Hiraeth 2016

(Always) as you are

They will tell you
There is a place for everyone,
Each special under the sun,
But you will feel it,
The pressure to conform,
Come first in a race,
(Because if you can’t run, you surely can’t sit still to learn?)
Play on the first hockey team
(Which has generations of the same surnames selected every year without fault)
And then you are cool,
Have a place to call your own
Stand on the stage.
And right now
That is your reality, and very real
But the truth is,
Your determination, resilience learnt through this (however young it’s start) will serve you and lead you to your place, your gift to the world.
And you are enough,
As you are,
Always
As you are.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

I Can’t Save Him // And that’s ok.

Ordinary Adventures

My brother’s struggle began last spring. But that’s not my story to tell.

My story is just an aftershock.


When I first found out about my brother’s problems, I ran to the edge, didn’t look back, and dove in. I knew, together, we would beat this.

It didn’t take long for it to be clear that no matter how many support groups, helping hands, and long tirades and tears I threw together, nothing would happen until he decided he wanted those things too. It was obvious, but I was blind. Even with his own troubles getting worse, and my constant failures to get him help continued to pile up, I could not take no for an answer. I had an empathetic ear, an open heart, a broken spirit; there must have been something I could have done.

Seasons passed and too many tears were shed. Too many late night calls were…

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