Brave

And one day
You understand the thin line
Between love and hate
Only because you walk it,
Balancing atop your sanity,
You stand in court
And declare that that which
Was once love,
Delicious, beautiful, poetic, sunset,
Sea and music in water paint
Is now desecrated, painted
In shades of black,
More hues than you ever
Imagined, palette knifed on
Your naive canvass,
Bleeding at its seams.
And you stand on that beam
And pretend that you are brave
While inside
Your self cries out in pain
And once it is over,
A paper as proof
That you towed the line
You look at yourself,
At what remains
And you realise
You have become
Brave.

Copyright Hiraeth 2018

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You loved

The loneliest things I have had to do so far were get divorced and put down my dog. Nothing compared to the emptiness in these moments. The funerals of some dearly loved people were not so lonely, heartbreaking, yes, but there were many people there, united in our grief. And that made it more bearable for me. Your life meant something and our presence affirms it.

I held his paw while life left him. The dog who had seen my life fall apart, been a casualty of it and watch me piece it back over time. And he always loved me and looked at me with such admiration, like I was getting it right (finally). And even though I knew it was coming, my heart broke and I sobbed like a teenager who was dumped for the first time.

I nervously cupped one hand over the other on that day. I thought if I held myself I would not be overcome with how meaningless it seemed. How twelve years of your life comes down to this, this meaningless banter and nodding of heads. The loneliness bounced off the walls, echoed in my heart.

And I have learnt that these moments are meant to be lonely, be yours and the beautiful thing about life is that it fills you up again, it always reveals there is more, more life, more love and second chances. And the end does not mean it meant nothing, you carry a treasure trove of memories into your future. You loved, you learnt.

And there will be more dogs and each will journey with you for a while, you loved, you had a companion.

You loved.

Copyright Hiraeth 2018

Blossom

And one day
You remember every
Seed he planted
Every gift He gave,
And you become
Brave,
Brave enough to write
Without anyone reading,
And spill your
Heartache on a page,
Brave enough to
Be an artist
And paint the sunsets
Of your soul
And the seeds grow,
they blossom
and you become
as beautiful
as He intended.

Copyright Hiraeth 2017C3FFDA65-F777-442C-8529-C46D4291F694.jpeg

Invisible

How sad that one
Of your last conversations
Was one about feeling
Invisible
After 40,
Heartbreaking.
I wish someone, anyone
Could have told you,
Reminded you,
You belong:
You are beautiful,
As a mother,
As a sister,
As a daughter,
As a friend,
You were never invisible,
Even though
He made you believe
You
were.

And maybe that is
One of the most important
(and lifesaving)
kindnesses
We can show each other
Just a simple reminder:
I see you,
I value you.

Copyright Hiraith 2017

With time

With time
You see it for what it was,
For what you fell,
Crazy love
The type that endangers
Your life at 180km/h
On the freeway,
The type that breaks in to
Your house,
The type that steals
Your money,
The type that shouts
So loud and obscene
That your sensitive self
Crumbles;
And you allow it
Because any drama,
Any love,
Even this
Is something,
Fills some void.
And with time
You forgive
Your naive self,
Your weak self
And embrace
Your broken self
And
You
Hold
Her.

Copyright Hiraeth 2017

Linkin Park

This world is becoming
Unbearable
For sensitive souls
The pace at which
We live, move, breathe
Conflicts in every way
With the rhythm
Of a sensitive soul.
It devours the time
To reflect,
To cry,
To heal.
Social media
overwhelms us,
Every mistake we
Ever made is flashed
Back as a memory.
Every person we lost
Lives on there,
A timeline of
Emotional memory
You have no control over.
Every person seems
To be coping better
Have it together,
Have the best filters
For their life.
The violence of the world
Casually displays
On your morning feed,
Children gassed to death
And women scarred by
Acid.
And your sensitive self
Chokes,
It gasps for air.
You begin to medicate,
Suffocate,
Find a vice to deal
With each day,
Until you realise
You are fighting a battle
You can’t win
On your own;
But you are
A
L
O
N
E.
Here is where that
Discussion about
How many talented souls
Are committing suicide
Should start.

Copyright Hiraeth 2017

Somewhere

And you start somewhere
Because anywhere,
Even a few steps ahead
Is better
Than this hell
You
Created and called home.
So you start focussing
On your job,
Meaning something to others,
Because you
Have nothing
To offer yourself.
And you get up,
Even when you find it hard
Even when sleep,
Is a sweet retreat
From reality,
Even when you fail
To see any sense.
And slowly it gets easier
There are small glimpses
Of hope,
A note of appreciation,
A smile on someone’s face.
One step each day
Turns into months,
Years,
And slowly you become
Brave,
You start to believe
That perhaps
You do have a place
To call home,
And you realise
Home doesn’t need to
Be
A person.
And He
Becomes your home.

Copyright Hiraeth 2017