You don’t know

You don’t know
How hard it is trying to help her
Navigate life
When she knows she is,
Feels she is different.
You think you can make it easier,
Hide it, until one day she asks
Why is it so hard for me and easy for them?
You try to put it in perspective, many
Others have much worse challenges to deal with,
But in her world, hers is all that matters,
At least for now.
You don’t know
When what is easy for your child,
Makes her feel tired, overwhelmed,
When the writing that comes without thinking for your child,
Tires her already tired brain.
You don’t know
How besides arranging therapy
And support of every kind,
There is an emotional side
That is overwhelming sometimes,
Most times.

You don’t know
How hard it is trying to help him
When only one side of his brain
Processes sound as it should,
How hard it is for him to process
An instruction in the noise of a
Fast-paced world,
How what it is easy for your child to
Most times is overwhelming
And so he sharpens his pencil
Incessantly, bites his nails
Or washes his hands
To control what he can
And mask his
Why am I different?
Why is it so hard?
You don’t know
And until you do

Copyright Hiraeth 2020



And one day
You understand the thin line
Between love and hate
Only because you walk it,
Balancing atop your sanity,
You stand in court
And declare that that which
Was once love,
Delicious, beautiful, poetic, sunset,
Sea and music in water paint
Is now desecrated, painted
In shades of black,
More hues than you ever
Imagined, palette knifed on
Your naive canvass,
Bleeding at its seams.
And you stand on that beam
And pretend that you are brave
While inside
Your self cries out in pain
And once it is over,
A paper as proof
That you towed the line
You look at yourself,
At what remains
And you realise
You have become

Copyright Hiraeth 2018

Wild horses and the heart

“I tried, I honestly tried to bring my heart back to us, to focus it.
And the more I tried, the harder it fought back.
I walked around a conflicted self, destabilised by opposing forces, each demanding to be heard.

You have no concept of being torn in two until your heart and mind are at odds.

The mind, logic it’s reason, “you do not leave that to which you are committed,” “marriage is a sacred contract” and the heart, love it’s song of choice, “follow love, follow the path it ignites”, backed up by numerous Paulo Coelho quotes (I always imagined this path illuminated by cellulite-ridden cupids, pointing where to go and Roxette’s “Listen to your heart” the soundtrack).

My only comfort at the time was sleeping and jogging and I did both with the same intensity. The endorphins made me feel something different to the raging storms inside and in sleep, I flew above all the noise, starting with my mind (stay there, stay there, please stay there) and always ending soaring with my heart.

Then there was the outside noise. Parents, friends, therapists, pastors, each advising what they thought best. Most days I just wanted to run away, from everyone, mostly myself.

You should know that in every battle of logic, you always won. And when the final bell rang and I chose the heart, know that for many, many years before that, this heart would have shed blood for you.”

Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014

What love is not

You taught me what love is
And what it’s not
At the same time,
You opened my eyes, my heart
To the possibility that there is more
To love than just being, just existing.
You taught me what love is
And what it’s not
At the same time,
You opened my eyes, my heart
To psyches torn in two, apart, battles
Of the mind.
(And now I see them, they are exposed)
You taught me what love is
And what it’s not
So I chose for us, the end of what
It could not be:
And began the journey
To what it is.

Copyright Hiraeth 2014