Sunset on the beach and there is a wind blowing slightly offshore. It makes the grains of sand dance around your ankles, it lightly whispers in your ear. It embraces you exactly where you are and plaits your hair in intricate patterns. Every now and then a gust comes through and wipes a tear from the corner of your eye. A tear that needed to be shed, was waiting to be heard. The wind dares not to know the truth, does not ask where you have been, who you have been, but echoes beauty, renewal, always glimpses of sun-kissed youth. It’s in these moments that for me, heaven and earth collide.
Copyright Hiraeth 2015
I saw it in your eyes,
Disappointment, hurt, betrayal and something new:
a scapegoat, someone to blame, a reason to declare off the rooftops.
She lost the plot, fell in love with someone else, left thinking that there was a future in that.
You couldn’t phone your parents, friends and any damn acquaintance fast enough. Speed dial. They had to know. Finally, it made sound sense. It wasn’t you, it wasn’t us, it was me.
Me and my stupidity, me and my lack of moral fibre, me and my forever searching for a love story, me not ever being satisfied, me and my unrealistic expectations of marriage.
Me and him.
This freaking cheeseball (“Who poses on Facebook all bulging biceps? Who I ask you? A cheeseball. You threw us away for a fucking cheeseball”) who claimed to love me and declared it lyrically in poems.
(And I, I was a robin soaring on wings of love)
And it made the truth easier, more deliverable, certainly more believable.
It also made it that much harder, when later we tried to reconcile.
Because every person you told looked down at me, judged me.
Look at what the cat dragged in…
(A mouse, a deceitful grey mouse)
All I needed was for you
to shield me,
to cover my weakness,
to hold my
Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014
And this is what we tell
Ourselves to disguise the truth,
Make it more palatable, easier to digest, explain:
We grew apart, we consciously uncoupled, she had an affair, we fell out of love, he stole my wife, she has no moral code.
We tell it until it sounds believable, we practice the tone to make it sound truthful.
We tell everyone willing to listen, we feel we need to explain, to justify this unexpected end
(No one saw it coming –
It is a complete surprise)
We declare it off the rooftops.
And it is all lies.
The truth is simpler, involving only us:
We drowned in our neglect.
Copyright Hiraeth 2014
I have a simple life philosophy now, one I test regularly to make sure I am on track with the type of life I want to create and maintain for myself. I tell myself about my life, like a narrator telling a story, I go through the details of mine and my test is quite simple: if at any point the story sounds like a dramatic production, complete with poster and tagline, I am off course.
I have found (through heartbreak, frustration and many tears) that the moment I find myself reciting a story that sounds like an episode off Jerry Springer, I am not living a life of promise, a life that will lead me to a place of gratitude and self realisation. I had to change direction. It was not easy and a few times I nearly returned to my starring role. I had to leave people I loved and cut ties with friendships that were meaningful. But the cost was small in comparison to the life that awaited me.
I think everyone has a few Springer episodes in their life, it is part of our journey of self discovery, but it shouldn’t become a place of permanent stay. Such situations will suck you dry emotionally and leave you in a wasteland where you no longer know yourself.
So try me, tell yourself your story, the play in which you now feature as one of the main characters. Tell it honestly, without embellishment or half-truths.
Tell it because you owe it to yourself.