When love and hate collide

~ hiraethphoenix

“But I don’t understand how someone who said they love you can resort to this,” I said. At first he looked genuinely surprised by my naivety, twirled his pencil and said,
“If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that for some people the line between love and hate is a very thin one.” And to this day I remember this when I try to understand how people who once claimed to love each other, now stand at war, prepared to do anything, everything to destroy, obliterate the other, even when the other is the mother or father of their children, despite that. You cannot claim to put your children first in a situation like this, no, you are serving your ego, your need for revenge (as if it will finally bring you peace). You may think you are winning.
You stop paying the children’s medical aid, despite the agreement you would and their mother finds out for the first time when a child is admitted to ER. She knows that taking you to court will cost more than her just taking over the medical aid. Stand proud man, you won that round. The crowds applaud.
You trash your ex husband in front of everyone, even the children. You concoct lies about who he is, what he is done. All is fair in love and war you tell yourself. He is a loser, look what he did to us (I am the victim – I tried everything to save this). Your children are torn in two.
Stand proud woman, you are a heroine. The crowds applaud.
But one day those children grow up and they will ask you the very same thing I asked that court clerk. And when you see the trauma in their eyes, you will realise:
you ultimately lost the war.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Keep swimming

~ hiraethphoenix

His name is Nemo. He is a telescopic goldfish with black and gold spots. His demeanour captured my attention right away. Acrobatic in his moves, but by far not the most elegant fish, his round belly adds to his strange shape. But anything he lacks in his athletic ability, he makes up for with his determination.

I realised three days in that he has swim bladder disorder and as a result struggles to swim properly at times, sometimes being disorientated. I researched all the treatments, and between salt baths, feeding him peas and fasting (yes, don’t say it – I think I have given up on saving people, fish on the other hand…) he is managing to be settled among four other fish.

Someone told me that fish bring serenity in your life and I wholeheartedly agree.
Except there is more:
Little Nemo reminds me every day that life is not easy, that there are unavoidable battles, you may lose direction and float belly-up for a few hours, but you never, ever float to the top for permanent stay.
Keep swimming.
Like Nemo.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Collateral damage

~ hiraethphoenix

I always smirk when people post quotes about never being unfaithful, about always putting their children first. With the advent of social media, just about everyone is armed with quotations about who they are and who they are not. These are used in public revenge posts, or a less-than-subtle message for all to see. A quote about you not ever being able to live with yourself after breaking your partner’s trust (an advert that your partner betrayed you), a post for the other woman (“single ladies – don’t be confused, he is taken – he is married”), one that emphasises you always put your kids first, that your marriage is built in trust. The truth is, in certain times of your life, you really have no idea what you will choose, despite a rigid moral system, you may falter. Sometimes we lose sight of who we are, our values, our truth. And in those times you will, most likely, err in your choices. A woman or man drenched in depression and despair can be a destructive hurricane. Very few of us take someone else’s word as our own. We are experimental beings. We are human, we make mistakes.

Suddenly you find yourself in a friendship with a member of the opposite sex and realise you are in love. It almost happened in slow motion and you convinced yourself it is nothing more than a connection. And you convince yourself you are entitled because your husband is disinterested, you may as well be the gray worn-out welcome mat at the front door. You post quotes about following your heart and letting go of what no longer works, you drink up Paulo Coelho’s quotes about following your destiny.

Suddenly your break up turns into a vindictive mess, where you are the victim (despite tracking their every move, hiring a private investigator and attempting to steal their financial records) and your children are kept away from the other parent under the guise of protection. And you convince yourself you are entitled because you were wronged. You post quotes about you being a lion in this war.
This self-imposed war.
(And this is war.)
So each of us finds out who we are, by venturing into what we are not.
And the hope is that we can always return to who we are,
without
too
much
collateral
damage.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

(Always) as you are

~ hiraethphoenix

They will tell you
There is a place for everyone,
Each special under the sun,
But you will feel it,
The pressure to conform,
Come first in a race,
(Because if you can’t run, you surely can’t sit still to learn?)
Play on the first hockey team
(Which has generations of the same surnames selected every year without fault)
And then you are cool,
Have a place to call your own
Stand on the stage.
And right now
That is your reality, and very real
But the truth is,
Your determination, resilience learnt through this (however young it’s start) will serve you and lead you to your place, your gift to the world.
And you are enough,
As you are,
Always
As you are.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Swimming @ Seventy

~ hiraethphoenix

Today on the beach
An older couple caught my eye.
About seventy,
She had a full costume on that
Perfectly suited her athletic, petite frame,
Her stylish grey bob dancing in the wind.
He was in boardshorts and Billabong rash vest, still handsome in his years.
They held hands as they walked into the sea,
And when they were midwaist in the water,
She dived under a wave and playfully splashed his face,
He jumped over the waves and in the lull between sets, floated on his back.
When they were done, they walked out hand in hand and reaching their bag, he wrapped a towel around her.
I was mesmerized and thought, here is love.
I imagined a journey shared, a home built, tribulations and trials, loss, celebrations, life.
And here they were, still standing, still swimming, still together.
And I thought if surfer and I are blessed to live that long, I want to swim in the sea with him every single day until death breaks us apart.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Love is Addition

~ hiraethphoenix

I love you
Not because I will disintegrate
Without you,
Not because I have to lean on you,
Or topple to the ground,
Not because you understand
Every etched scar upon my soul
(some still bleed from time to time)
But
Because you choose to build a life,
A family with me,
You choose to hold me late at night,
Gorilla-grip and rhythmic breath,
You choose to venture into my
Feeling world and though most times
You are lost, you still walk bravely
Step by step
(often with a cigarette in hand)
Finally I now see that love
Is not completion,
Instead
Addition.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Choosing what is normal

~ hiraethphoenix

The first time I had hives, you had threatened to take your life. My body felt like it was burning from within and my chest began to itch.
I drove around each of your favourite haunts, trying to find you, convince you that there is always hope. Instead I found you peacefully asleep on your mother’s couch.
It was then, at two in the morning, when I realised how little life means to you and how lost you were.
I realised that life with you would always be a dramatic production, with the highs matched with equally intense lows and if I stayed, one day a family would be part of this cycle.
And I chose for this not to be normality;
For them,
For me.
And the hives
Remained in my body
As a reminder
Not to succumb to drama.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Sea Of Self

~ hiraethphoenix

I will run along the beach
To find you,
Waves caressing my ankles:
Teasing me, beckoning me
To be free,
To find you,
To touch your sacred soul.
As I breathe, I empty
All fear and reach a rhythm:
Until I see you,
Until we meet,
Until I have words for you.
In the sea of your eyes
I lose myself,
Find my self,
Learn to love
My self.
Yes,
I will run along the beach
To find you,
Waves caressing my ankles
Teasing me,
To be free,
To find you,
To touch you.

Copyright Hiraeth 2015