Invisible

November 12, 2017November 12, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

How sad that one
Of your last conversations
Was one about feeling
Invisible
After 40,
Heartbreaking.
I wish someone, anyone
Could have told you,
Reminded you,
You belong:
You are beautiful,
As a mother,
As a sister,
As a daughter,
As a friend,
You were never invisible,
Even though
He made you believe
You
were.

And maybe that is
One of the most important
(and lifesaving)
kindnesses
We can show each other
Just a simple reminder:
I see you,
I value you.

With time

November 11, 2017November 11, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

With time
You see it for what it was,
For what you fell,
Crazy love
The type that endangers
Your life at 180km/h
On the freeway,
The type that breaks in to
Your house,
The type that steals
Your money,
The type that shouts
So loud and obscene
That your sensitive self
Crumbles;
And you allow it
Because any drama,
Any love,
Even this
Is something,
Fills some void.
And with time
You forgive
Your naive self,
Your weak self
And embrace
Your broken self
And
You
Hold
Her.

Linkin Park

July 25, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

This world is becoming
Unbearable
For sensitive souls
The pace at which
We live, move, breathe
Conflicts in every way
With the rhythm
Of a sensitive soul.
It devours the time
To reflect,
To cry,
To heal.
Social media
overwhelms us,
Every mistake we
Ever made is flashed
Back as a memory.
Every person we lost
Lives on there,
A timeline of
Emotional memory
You have no control over.
Every person seems
To be coping better
Have it together,
Have the best filters
For their life.
The violence of the world
Casually displays
On your morning feed,
Children gassed to death
And women scarred by
Acid.
And your sensitive self
Chokes,
It gasps for air.
You begin to medicate,
Suffocate,
Find a vice to deal
With each day,
Until you realise
You are fighting a battle
You can’t win
On your own;
But you are
A
L
O
N
E.
Here is where that
Discussion about
How many talented souls
Are committing suicide
Should start.

Somewhere

July 25, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

And you start somewhere
Because anywhere,
Even a few steps ahead
Is better
Than this hell
You
Created and called home.
So you start focussing
On your job,
Meaning something to others,
Because you
Have nothing
To offer yourself.
And you get up,
Even when you find it hard
Even when sleep,
Is a sweet retreat
From reality,
Even when you fail
To see any sense.
And slowly it gets easier
There are small glimpses
Of hope,
A note of appreciation,
A smile on someone’s face.
One step each day
Turns into months,
Years,
And slowly you become
Brave,
You start to believe
That perhaps
You do have a place
To call home,
And you realise
Home doesn’t need to
Be
A person.
And He
Becomes your home.

Seventeen

June 20, 2017June 30, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

We were seventeen.
We would sit on the carpet
And you would play
On the guitar
While we sang
K’s Choice songs
About 20 000 seconds
Since you were gone,
We sang it
Like we knew about loss,
Like it was real to us.
And this morning
I played their songs
At maximum volume
And sang along
About 20 000 seconds
Since you were gone,
I sang it
Like I knew about loss,
Like it was real to me.
And I realised,
We were beautiful,
Forever captured in our
Youth and naivety.
And every now and then
You play K’s Choice songs
In my dreams
And I
Sing
Like you are real to me.

My Little Warrior

June 2, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

Sometimes
It’s not about his bike that broke
Or the Lego warrior who’s
Sword is missing,
Or the biscuit that is broken
And should be whole
No,
It’s not about the noodles
You made
When he really felt like
Sweet corn soup.
Sometimes
It’s just about:
Him having been a warrior today,
And now he needs you
To hold him,
Tickle his back
And tell him:
He is your
Little
Warrior.

Walk On

May 9, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

And one day
You lay the drama down
Like a coat that for a while
Was comfort,
Was love,
But now fits awkwardly,
Chokingly,
Revealing all your
Imperfections,
Every curve and contour.
And you take it off
Because your role is done
And although the rest still
Play their roles
(ever less convincingly)
You no longer can.
And without blame,
(Because stupidity
always requires two)
You stand naked
In your shame,
In your self
And with bravery
As your only companion
(but the one who breathed life
into you holding your hand)
You
walk
on.

This time

May 5, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

This time
I will get it right
(Because last time
I failed)
I will see and live in this
As sacred,
(Because last time
The sacred got lost
In the mundane)
I will honour our history
And every trial and tribulation;
(Because last time
New spoke in an
Enchanting voice)
I will accept that there are
Many seasons
And weather them hand in hand
Even the lonely ones,
Even the days where I feel
Disconnected
(Because last time
I let go of his hand
And let winter stay)
I will not let you go
Or down
(Because last time
I lost everything)
And now
You are
Everything.

All the moments

March 27, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

I will love you
In all the moments,
Even those
Inbetween, the ones
Where my own fears
Reside and shame
Stands accusing,
You have been
Here before
And drenched in
Fight or flight mode
My inner child screams
Leave;
Now,
Burn before
You get burnt;
Even in those,
I will nurture my
Resolve:
and love you
In all these moments,
Because you gave
My inner child
A home.

All of it

February 27, 2017 ~ hiraethphoenix

I take on too much
And it is a lesson
I fail to learn.
How hard can it be
To just say “no?”
As hard as realising
That there is only this,
This life,
These moments that I
Want to fill to capacity
With creativity,
With goals to push
The boundaries of my
Insecure inner self,
With dreams that float
In and out of my consciousness.
I want to be all of it:
Mother, lover, dreamer, achiever
All of it
And more.
Because once you
Have tasted the fragility
Of life,
You offer
Your all.