Hiraeth

Swimming @ Seventy

~ hiraethphoenix

Today on the beach
An older couple caught my eye.
About seventy,
She had a full costume on that
Perfectly suited her athletic, petite frame,
Her stylish grey bob dancing in the wind.
He was in boardshorts and Billabong rash vest, still handsome in his years.
They held hands as they walked into the sea,
And when they were midwaist in the water,
She dived under a wave and playfully splashed his face,
He jumped over the waves and in the lull between sets, floated on his back.
When they were done, they walked out hand in hand and reaching their bag, he wrapped a towel around her.
I was mesmerized and thought, here is love.
I imagined a journey shared, a home built, tribulations and trials, loss, celebrations, life.
And here they were, still standing, still swimming, still together.
And I thought if surfer and I are blessed to live that long, I want to swim in the sea with him every single day until death breaks us apart.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Love is Addition

~ hiraethphoenix

I love you
Not because I will disintegrate
Without you,
Not because I have to lean on you,
Or topple to the ground,
Not because you understand
Every etched scar upon my soul
(some still bleed from time to time)
But
Because you choose to build a life,
A family with me,
You choose to hold me late at night,
Gorilla-grip and rhythmic breath,
You choose to venture into my
Feeling world and though most times
You are lost, you still walk bravely
Step by step
(often with a cigarette in hand)
Finally I now see that love
Is not completion,
Instead
Addition.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Choosing what is normal

~ hiraethphoenix

The first time I had hives, you had threatened to take your life. My body felt like it was burning from within and my chest began to itch.
I drove around each of your favourite haunts, trying to find you, convince you that there is always hope. Instead I found you peacefully asleep on your mother’s couch.
It was then, at two in the morning, when I realised how little life means to you and how lost you were.
I realised that life with you would always be a dramatic production, with the highs matched with equally intense lows and if I stayed, one day a family would be part of this cycle.
And I chose for this not to be normality;
For them,
For me.
And the hives
Remained in my body
As a reminder
Not to succumb to drama.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016

Sea Of Self

~ hiraethphoenix

I will run along the beach
To find you,
Waves caressing my ankles:
Teasing me, beckoning me
To be free,
To find you,
To touch your sacred soul.
As I breathe, I empty
All fear and reach a rhythm:
Until I see you,
Until we meet,
Until I have words for you.
In the sea of your eyes
I lose myself,
Find my self,
Learn to love
My self.
Yes,
I will run along the beach
To find you,
Waves caressing my ankles
Teasing me,
To be free,
To find you,
To touch you.

Copyright Hiraeth 2015

Light

~ hiraethphoenix

The most intense love
I ever experienced
Was when I was at my lowest
And it wrecked my
Entire being,
I was convinced I had found a
Soul mate,
Someone I could save,
Had to save
(Instead of myself –
At the expense
Of myself)
Now I see the truth:
At my lowest low,
I connected not with
Something lighter,
But with that with which
My darkness resonated
Someone I could save,
Had to save
(Instead of myself –
At the expense
Of myself)
And just before I drowned
In darkness,
I remembered:
I am
Born
Of
Light:
I belong
To the maker
Of
Light.

Copyright Hiraeth 2015

Shadow

~ hiraethphoenix

And one day
You will no longer deny
Your shadow self, always lurking,
Always reaching to the past, the
What-ifs,
The what-coulds,
The only-ifs,
The you-should-have-been-more(s).
You will stare it down,
From toe to top
And challenge it,
I know you,
I have overcome,
I know you,
The past is done.

Copyright Hiraeth 2015

To the redhead on the beach,

~ hiraethphoenix

today while lounging on the beach I spotted you. You, a beautiful redhead and your muscular partner walking side by side along the water. It could have been a beautiful photo. Both of you were dressed for a date, he in a neatly buttoned shirt and three quarter pants, you in a gorgeous flowing white dress. Except, you were clearly in the midst of a heated argument. You were gesticulating wildly as you walked, he would just nod and stare into the distance. You walked out of sight, a good few metres and a while later returned to my view. By this time his shoulders were stooped. I saw him try to counter, but you immediately interjected and gesticulated again and marched on. My husband calls this raging. It neatly describes when a woman goes off ranting about the inadequacies of her man. She is raging him. She is raging him up and down the length of the beach.
(As a side note: according to my husband men shut down when they are raged. They enter a selective hearing mode, pretending to listen, but only picking up the necessary bits to make you believe they are listening and intent on being what you want them to be.)

It made me think back to my younger self, the one who did not know that you can never change someone fundamentally. The one who naively believed love could transform him into what you want him to be, believe he should be. He may fake it for you for a while, but it is a mask that will always wear off. Best to focus on his good traits and decide if you can live with the rest. He might not be as romantic as you like, but he may be a good provider, have a great sense of humour, be fun to be with, great in bed. The second thing I wish I had learned sooner: pick your battles. You may feel like winning every battle, the one where he doesn’t take out the bin, always lies on the couch watching series, never remembers to unlock the gate for the garden service, etc, etc, etc, but you will lose the war. I myself often rage in circles, believing if I repeat the same raging from different angles, I was winning on all fronts! The harsh reality is that either you will destroy his sense of manhood to such a degree that he just becomes completely complacent in your relationship, and one day you will leave, blaming him for no longer having any backbone or purpose. Or the blonde secretary at work who wears a mini just above the acceptable office threshold, has fake nails, boobs and extensions down to her knees, who thinks he is the best accountant in the office, will have him enamoured and soon falling for her charms. Or some psycho will notice you in the gym and you will fall for his offer of friendship, buy a new Lorna Jane exercise wardrobe, become a regular 6 am gym bunny, only to become a lapdog to his compliments and believe you have found your soul mate. The second option is particularly foolish.

So dear redhead on the beach, if he is not offering enough for your liking, and every battle is a war, set him free and move on. You will save him and yourself a lot of heartache and regret.

You both deserve to walk hand in hand on the beach with the waves lapping at your ankles and the wind platting your hair.

Copyright Hiraeth 2015