I love you still because
Despite the challenges of life,
You believe in forever afters
And even when I lose faith
You stand secure:
Even in these turbulent times
Love conquers, it provides the
Glue to keep on keeping on
And you keep on;
Consistent in your love for me
And our family.
And with time
You have made me believe
Again
That true love does exist
And I am blessed
To live in it.
copyright Hiraeth 2019
“ If you don’t want to burn out, don’t live like you are on fire” – Brene Brown
Ten years ago I arrived
Home from my jog
And you made Earl Grey
And pork sausages in tomato
While I simultaneously laughed
And cried
About the stress of my day.
You stood shocked.
You are burning out
You said
I don’t know what to do.
Don’t be ridiculous, I am fine
I said
And I pushed you away
In anger,
You and these crazy ideas
That I am not in control,
That my dreams are too
Important, swallowing me
And us.
And he stepped in
At the exact point I sat on the floor
Crying on Skype,
Crying about every loss
Of my entire life,
Like it is normal,
Like it makes sense.
And I said
This is my soul mate
This is my future
And left
And broke everything,
Everyone I cared about
And myself.
So no
Not every marriage ends
Because it is destructive,
Because it is loveless.
Some end
Because one
Lived
Like they were on fire.
Copyright Hiraeth 2019
I never understood
A mother’s tears
Until I had my own,
I never realised what a
Powerful sadness
Washes over your soul
When you feel that your
Child is lost
And wonder if there is
A place for her
And if you have the tools
To help her find it.
And now I see it more and more
The mom who unexpectedly
Starts crying at drop off
Because balancing a marriage
And family and self
Is overwhelming,
The mom who at a workshop
Starts tearing up
When she tells me her
Daughter is battling with anxiety,
The mom who finds out her son
Has ADHD and tells me
She feels so alone, with the tears
Hidden but exposed.
And I realise that a mother’s heart
Has the capacity to hold it all,
But every now and then
We can hold each other’s tears
And remind the other
We are not meant to
Journey alone.
Copyright Hiraeth 2018
I hope the waves break in
Beautiful sets
Where you are,
That the seagulls rush
To tell you
You are missed,
That the sand between your toes
Remind you of the footprints
We shared
That the wind gently caresses
Your cheek
And the seashells
Whisper that you
Are not forgotten,
I did not forget
And in this our destiny is set:
One day we will meet
On a beach where the waves break
In beautiful sets,
Where the seagulls rush
To tell us
We are loved,
Where the sand between our toes
Evidence the footprints
We share,
Where the wind gently caresses
Our cheeks and
The seashells whisper
We never forgot.
copyright Hiraeth 2018
And one day
You wont remember my favourite
Song
Or the exact details, minute or
Otherwise where it all went
Wrong.
But one day, far from now,
Maybe
Sooner than you
Think
You will hear it, the words,
Melody, the chorus will tug
At your heart and make it
Sink.
And the memories will flood and
Flow
And you will breathe them in,
Exhale and let them
Go.
Inhale;
Exhale;
Let go.
copyright Hiraeth 2018
25 years ago
A mother lost her second son
And I lost a dear friend and
With it
The innocence of childhood,
Life became very real
And raw and the pain
Palpable,
It coursed through my veins,
Pumped through my broken
Heart.
He was sunshine to me,
He lit up a room with his smile,
He was beautiful
And I carry his memory
To this day
It weaves a thread through my
Life,
Through my purpose.
I hold my son a little tighter,
I try to breathe a little slower,
I know that every moment
Is fleeting,
That what is normal now
May very soon be forever lost.
So I send this out in memory
Of a sunshine kid
And in prayer for every heart,
Mother’s
Friend’s
Who still mourns
The light
That
Was
Lost.
Copyright Hiraeth 2018
I miss you most
On the lonely days,
The ones where the
Superficial nature
Of today’s friendships
Leave me longing
For soul friends,
Those that weave through
Time
And know you,
Those that weather the
Seasons
And gather years,
Like beads on the arms
Of an abacus.
A friend who knows
At the first sign of winter
You throw on your boots
And wrapped in a scarf
You become an eskimo,
Those ones.
A friend who knows
Your drama, witnessed it
And stood with
Open arms when you
Stood drenched in defeat,
Those ones.
A friend who you can call
And know that not a single
Tear will fall unaccounted,
Those ones.
A friend who, if you had to
Choose a sister in this life,
It would be her,
That friend,
You.
Copyright Hiraeth 2018
And one day
You understand the thin line
Between love and hate
Only because you walk it,
Balancing atop your sanity,
You stand in court
And declare that that which
Was once love,
Delicious, beautiful, poetic, sunset,
Sea and music in water paint
Is now desecrated, painted
In shades of black,
More hues than you ever
Imagined, palette knifed on
Your naive canvass,
Bleeding at its seams.
And you stand on that beam
And pretend that you are brave
While inside
Your self cries out in pain
And once it is over,
A paper as proof
That you towed the line
You look at yourself,
At what remains
And you realise
You have become
Brave.
Copyright Hiraeth 2018
The loneliest things I have had to do so far were get divorced and put down my dog. Nothing compared to the emptiness in these moments. The funerals of some dearly loved people were not so lonely, heartbreaking, yes, but there were many people there, united in our grief. And that made it more bearable for me. Your life meant something and our presence affirms it.
I held his paw while life left him. The dog who had seen my life fall apart, been a casualty of it and watch me piece it back over time. And he always loved me and looked at me with such admiration, like I was getting it right (finally). And even though I knew it was coming, my heart broke and I sobbed like a teenager who was dumped for the first time.
I nervously cupped one hand over the other on that day. I thought if I held myself I would not be overcome with how meaningless it seemed. How twelve years of your life comes down to this, this meaningless banter and nodding of heads. The loneliness bounced off the walls, echoed in my heart.
And I have learnt that these moments are meant to be lonely, be yours and the beautiful thing about life is that it fills you up again, it always reveals there is more, more life, more love and second chances. And the end does not mean it meant nothing, you carry a treasure trove of memories into your future. You loved, you learnt.
And there will be more dogs and each will journey with you for a while, you loved, you had a companion.
You loved.
Copyright Hiraeth 2018
And one day
You remember every
Seed he planted
Every gift He gave,
And you become
Brave,
Brave enough to write
Without anyone reading,
And spill your
Heartache on a page,
Brave enough to
Be an artist
And paint the sunsets
Of your soul
And the seeds grow,
they blossom
and you become
as beautiful
as He intended.
Copyright Hiraeth 2017
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