For me longing
Is a blue Billabong jersey
And Colbie Callait’s Realize on the radio.
I was 27 and believed I had found my
Soul, sole mate.
In that moment
Before I paid for a top I carefully selected,
A hoodie, a present for him
(Not to bold, not too much print)
I realised
That I could not change him, fix him, mould him into what would make me whole.
I realised
He was using drugs
I realised
He would break me.
I left him and wore that hoodie the
Entire weekend.
It was covered in snot and tears.
And I survived,
With “only a surfer knows the feeling”
And a giant wave
Engraved across my heart.
I survived
Even though walking away was
Fucking hard,
Lonely.
I survived it in a Blue Billabong top.
Longing doesn’t change as you get older,
I still associate it with the same things.
But it does get easier.
You realise you will survive,
That there is always beauty and renewal, a kindness to the universe,
A treasure trove of memories engraved
Upon your soul.
And on the bad days
You reach for that Billabong hoodie
And cover it in snot,
Tears,
You pull it over your unkept hair
And hide from the cruelty
That takes away what you love,
Whom you love.
And then you take the top off,
Toss it in the wash
And you survive.

Copyright Hiraeth 2016