Waves

“We have coffee at his flat and with the aroma of caffeine, sea and cigarette smoke, I tell him my story, no embellishment, no minimizing, just how it was. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t lose eye contact, just listens. And after I finish reciting an entire list of why he shouldn’t date me, including that I won’t fit in with his friends, I am emotionally broken and very, very complicated with many compulsive habits (I check my Ghd is off four times before leaving for work), he turns to me and says “do you hear the waves?” and suddenly, I do.”

Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014

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Wild horses and the heart

“I tried, I honestly tried to bring my heart back to us, to focus it.
And the more I tried, the harder it fought back.
I walked around a conflicted self, destabilised by opposing forces, each demanding to be heard.

You have no concept of being torn in two until your heart and mind are at odds.

The mind, logic it’s reason, “you do not leave that to which you are committed,” “marriage is a sacred contract” and the heart, love it’s song of choice, “follow love, follow the path it ignites”, backed up by numerous Paulo Coelho quotes (I always imagined this path illuminated by cellulite-ridden cupids, pointing where to go and Roxette’s “Listen to your heart” the soundtrack).

My only comfort at the time was sleeping and jogging and I did both with the same intensity. The endorphins made me feel something different to the raging storms inside and in sleep, I flew above all the noise, starting with my mind (stay there, stay there, please stay there) and always ending soaring with my heart.

Then there was the outside noise. Parents, friends, therapists, pastors, each advising what they thought best. Most days I just wanted to run away, from everyone, mostly myself.

You should know that in every battle of logic, you always won. And when the final bell rang and I chose the heart, know that for many, many years before that, this heart would have shed blood for you.”

Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014

Full Circle

I saw it in your eyes,
Disappointment, hurt, betrayal and something new:
a scapegoat, someone to blame, a reason to declare off the rooftops.

She lost the plot, fell in love with someone else, left thinking that there was a future in that.
You couldn’t phone your parents, friends and any damn acquaintance fast enough. Speed dial. They had to know. Finally, it made sound sense. It wasn’t you, it wasn’t us, it was me.

Me and my stupidity, me and my lack of moral fibre, me and my forever searching for a love story, me not ever being satisfied, me and my unrealistic expectations of marriage.
Me and him.
This freaking cheeseball (“Who poses on Facebook all bulging biceps? Who I ask you? A cheeseball. You threw us away for a fucking cheeseball”) who claimed to love me and declared it lyrically in poems.
(And I, I was a robin soaring on wings of love)

And it made the truth easier, more deliverable, certainly more believable.

It also made it that much harder, when later we tried to reconcile.
Because every person you told looked down at me, judged me.
Look at what the cat dragged in…
(A mouse, a deceitful grey mouse)

All I needed was for you
to shield me,
to cover my weakness,
to hold my
truth
as
I
held
yours.

Copyright HiraethPhoenix 2014

I painted it white

I reach now to the past
To the simplicity of what
Once was
The safety of the known
No surprises
A picket fence home
I forget the spaces, voids
Left unfulfilled
I pick the memories scrapbook
Them to reflect then
Is better than now
The heart is deceitful in its
Memory
It serves itself, partial lies
Obscuring obvious truth.
Bruce Springsteen did not
Save us, nor our love of dogs
I instead dreamt of beaches
And sunsets
And innocence long lost.
Here then is the truth,
A picture of grey:
black and white blended
In a collage of what once was
And is stored in my heart
Forever
In white
(to the detriment of my soul)

Copyright © 2014 by Hiraeth

The mundane

I’m scared of settling into a rut;
The every day;
The no longer really seeing each
Other,
Instead through each other:
The mundane,
The I know you are here
And mine when I need you,
Is an easy temptation
A comfortable place
But one I know can very
Quickly become a place
Of permanent stay
And one day
It might be far from now
(or nearer than we think )
We will look at each other
And wonder how we became
Strangers,
How we let us go.
How sad that would be;
But sadder still:
Only one of
Us is noticing it.

Little by little

Little by little
You tear down
What I thought
Love is
What growth is,
What is
Sacred ground
And little by little
I question if my notion
Of love exists or is
A figment of a fairytale
Long told, out sold
Perhaps if I convince
You
Little by little
You will see love
As I do,
Or not and
That will break me
Little by little
Little by little.
Just a little.

Copyright © 2014 by Hiraeth

And so I cried

And so I cried
Because some things
Are worth changing
And some not
Because friends die
And true friends are so few,
Because people divorce
And hang themselves
While we take care of
Our children next door
Because we leave one
Life believing in another
Only to find it does not
Exist
And so I cried
Because here is my choice
And it is made
Because people lose themselves
And find themselves
And wake up realising
They lost so so much
And so I cried because
Bruce Springsteen wasn’t enough
And I wanted it to be
And so I cried because
Maybe
I was born to run

Copyright © 2014 by Hiraeth